The Color of Life

My artist's book Khroma is a true account of my battle with a life threatening disease.  These words are from my diary and art journal.  

We all handle our mortality differently.  This is how I handled mine.  During my cancer treatment I created over 2,000 hand printed color and black & white photos in the darkroom.  I would spend all of my waking moments there, trying to leave evidence that I was on this planet.

Khroma by Suzanne Coley

Khroma has 10 movements.  The following is an excerpt from movement 3.  At some point I will post the actual artist's books.  (Each movement has its own livre d'artiste.)  Characters are Black, Magenta, Yellow, Cyan.  

MOVEMENT: TANGENT SPACES AND DERIVATIVES

BLACK

Black is the key, all others follow.

My breasts are so sore.

The biopsy seemed more 

medieval than modern.  

Did you see that metal table with the 

holes in the middle just for the breasts?  

Didn’t see any of those

 things on the Discovery Channel.

After the biopsy, my gown was covered 

with blood.  The nurse said they

had to change it, give me a crisp new one.  

I said I didn’t mind going back to the waiting 

area with my bloody one.  She said, “We 

don’t want to scare the other patients.”
A bomb is being set off inside of me.  
I am imploding. 
My emotions are scattering all over this
beautiful,
pink,
finely decorated
waiting area.

MAGENTA
I had dreams, you know?
I could have been a mathematician.

Hey, I know a little sumin’, sumin’,

about tangent vectors as directional

derivatives.
Math isn’t always about numbers.
That’s what trips people up.
It’s about the patterns.  
The maps.  
The thoughts.  
Working alone at 3 

in the morning,
figuring it all out.

YELLOW
2:30 pm  
Youngest one in waiting area.  

All the faces around have seen
many winters and summers. 
I wonder how many summers
I’ll have.  Will they be hot or mild?  
Will I sweat or enjoy the sun’s rays?  
I loved the chemistry of photography.

Is this a dream or a nightmare?  

My hopes.  I was going to be the
lead photographer on that Vogue shoot.  

Just got hired.  
Milan here I come.

CYAN
You are dreaming.
Concentrating on numbers?

YELLOW

3 pm.   Cancer.  Cancer.  

Cancer.  Omigod!  

If I had waited five years, 

I’d be dead.  

I wonder where I’ll be in five years.

CYAN
No wonder you understand him.

YELLOW
If I would have become a nun 

like I had planned, then 

maybe I wouldn’t have this.

CYAN

It was physical?

MAGENTA

Intellectual. 

CYAN

Intellectual intercourse, 

that really jolts the mind.

YELLOW

We are genetically programmed to die,

my science teacher once said.  

But somehow we program ourselves

to believe we will live forever.

CYAN

You and he have a special chemistry.

MAGENTA

It wasn’t about the numbers. 

CYAN

Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers. . . 

What is the message I must get from it?

BLACK

We must face it.

MAGENTA

Some problems take years to figure out.

YELLOW

We don’t have years.

CYAN

I can’t run from this.  

It’s part of me.  I must 

embrace all of it, like a 

dream deferred – the good 

and the bad.  

The pain and the joy. 

MAGENTA

I thought if I painted 

the patterns he would see them.

YELLOW

The contradictions of life.  

Accept them.

CYAN

He saw them.  

He was figuring them out.

YELLOW

Record them.  

Remember them.

MAGENTA

I put them with the faces, 

so he would know.  

Only one person 

would understand them 

– him.

CYAN

Maybe they will help others.

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